What is misbehavior about? Become aware of your child's needs

"Paradise is a state where all our needs are met"

Needs are an important aspect of our existence as humans that is often misunderstood and misjudged. Many of us have been taught that we simply shouldn't have them. Through society and our parents we learn that having a need makes us weak and wanting to meet it labels us as selfish and capricious. In fact our needs are our greatest guidance system to a healthy and fulfilled life. As humans we have different needs that relate to our physical, emotional and mental aspects. We need to have our bodies taken care of - to be fed, exercised or rested. On an emotional level we may need to feel safe, joyful, fulfilled and loved. On a mental level we may need to feel stimulated, to have a project to tackle, to use our imagination or simply to relax and not think. If we are aware of our needs and take the necessary steps to meet them we will be creating an inner state of balance and well-being. If, for whatever reason we fail to do that we may invite dis-balance, unhappiness, dissatisfaction and often physical illness into our lives.

As humans we have various needs with different importance but we all share three fundamental ones that if not met properly can cause us great suffering. We all need to be loved and to be accepted and approved as we are. As adults we can meet those needs by ourselves - we are capable of 'self-generating' so to speak the love, acceptance and approval we need. Children however are completely dependent on us, their caregivers to have their fundamental needs met. If a young child is not unconditionally loved, accepted as they are and approved unconditionally by their parents or caregivers that creates an inner lack associated with that need which is the foundation of emotional wounding and many issues later in life.

Not having their fundamental needs met is very painful to a child and is something their immature emotional aspect can not process. What the child feels is the pain of the unmet need and quite naturally it tries to make the pain go away. One thing that happens very often is the child will close emotionally so they won't feel the pain. Another is that quite unconsciously they may try to get their need met and that sometimes can take quite bizzare forms. For example - we all have seen children misbehaving quite on purpose fully aware that will get them a lot of negative attention. Their need to be noticed by their parents or caregivers is so great they are willing to take anything, even shouting and punishment as long as the attention is on them. Or some children hit their parents or are rude with them. It may look like the child is misbehaving and being mean but underneath it may be unconsciously screaming "Do something! You are keeping me emotionally starved".

We will never know what the real reason behind the misbehavior is before we are willing to drop the negative judgment or blame we put on it and stop to ask ourselves "What does my child need to cause this? How can I extend to that need?". It may seem easier to simply try to correct the behavior but in reality it isn't because it will keep coming up until either the parent realizes they need to change or the child resigns they will never get their needs met by their parents and looks elsewhere for that. As many of us have experienced the craving for our parents love, acceptance and approval can continue well into our adult years often with the same unsatisfactory results. Or it may pop up in our personal relationship with many negative consequences.

If on the other hand we take the time to look beyond the behavior and see what is causing it we put ourselves in a position of power to correct it. Instead of playing the 'attention at all cost' game and effectively teaching our children to behave terribly simply to be seen we can choose to disregard the negative behavior and give our children a lot of positive attention instead. We can include them more into our life, talk to them, play with them, show them we truly enjoy them and love them. It won't take long for the negative behavior to disappear and it is so much more enjoyable to give loving attention to our children than to constantly be on guard about what they may do next and how to control or fight that.

The desire to love our children and to extend to their needs is a natural one. It brings so much pleasure and fullfilment it should be easy to follow yet we often find ourselves acting in not a very loving way and feel challenged when we have to give to our children emotionally. Why that happens and how to get over it is something I will share in another post.

What is a Joy Parent?

What do I call a Joy Parent? This is a parent who has made an agreement with themselves that parenting is meant to be a joyful experience and if it isn't then they need to make a correction in their perceptions and actions to bring back the place of joy. That means we make a conscious choice about the experience we want to have as parents and that automatically puts us in a powerful position. We are no longer the proverbial leaf at the mercy of the wind. Life can't swing us in any emotional direction it wants because we have our intent and our own direction to follow. Choosing how we want to be and what we want to experience is the first step to being and experiencing that. I will soon be posting about the tools a Joy Parent can use to change their parenting experience to a better one ~

First post and where it all started

Many years ago, when I began my first steps on a personal growth path I was surprised that one of the first things my guide did was to make me talk about my early childhood, a time I didn't see as important. After all what could be that important in a period of my life when practically all I did was play, eat and sleep? I wasn't going to school yet, I didn't have any significant personal relationships, there was nothing very interesting there. However, as my process unfolded I discovered that much of what I am now, as an adult was formed in those early years. Most of my perceptions and beliefs about life were created then, most of my perceptions of my own self, of what I could or could not do in life had taken seed at that time too. I felt that as a child I was like a blank, pliable canvas my parents and caregivers could paint on and shape in any way they wanted, which they did according to their own beliefs, understandings and personal issues in life. As a child I, like everyone else had my own individual personality but the shape that personality took in me as an adult was the direct result of the way my parents took care of me when I was young.

Everyone who has taken care of a baby plant knows that if the plant is not given proper care and nutrients even if it grows to be an adult plant it doesn't look the same as the plants that come out of a nursery and have had the best care possible. The malnourished plant's leaves may be smaller and sparser, the plant may refuse to flower or may grow looking unhealthy and twisted. The same happens with human babies. We all have essential needs that if met in an appropriate way ensure we grow into fully developed, strong and healthy adults. However if, for whatever reason those needs are not met just like a plant we may grow to be weak, unhealthy people ridden with all sorts of physical, emotional or mental issues. As I began the process of healing and strengthening my own self I discovered that even if in age I was an adult there was an emotional side of me that was not fully developed and matured. I felt that inside of me I still had a child that had to be nurtured and grown up for me to be a fully developed being in my full potential as an adult. I also saw that when I lived my life from that child part of self the life I created tended to be a mess. After all how capable of managing an adult life a young child is?

I had to spend several years 'parenting' that young part of my self and through that I came to appreciate the importance of childhood in our development as human beings and the importance of the role a parent plays too. Knowingly or not we parents function as a Soul Keeper to a young being, our child's soul is entrusted in our hands to nurture and protect. It is a wonderful role every parent should respect and be proud of. Through my inner child work I directly experienced what a child truly needs as my inner child's needs were my own. I learned how to be a better parent to my own children too. Often that was a challenging process because it asked of me to deprogram myself from all the ideas I had received through my upbringing regarding the parent/child relationship and how parenting was to be done. That can be tricky because most of us are so attached to our beliefs and ideas. However I am extremely grateful for this process because it completely turned around my relationship with my children. What used to be filled with worries, conflicts and frustrations became a source of deep fulfillment and joy. Now I know from experience that parenting is not meant to be filled with problems and frustrations. It is a demanding 'occupation' but it is a simple and a joyful one. And if at times it feels like a drag that simply means we are not doing what is needed and that is usually a lot more simple then all the efforts we have put to make it a drag. I am grateful for all the help I have received over the years from my guides and from all my 'little teachers' - the children I have worked with who showed me the best what works and what doesn't in the magical kingdom called Childhood. It is my desire to share my experience in what I have learned about parenting hoping to help other moms and dads change their challenges with their children into better experiences and bring back joy to perhaps the most important job we will ever have - supporting a new being in their process of growth and being a PARENT. There is so much to tell :)