Stepping down from the MLP (Most Loved Person) pedestal

As parents, when our children are young we are the center of their Universe. However, naturally a day comes when our little ones are little no more. We discover they have other, more important people than mom and dad they put in that center. There are friends or special ones that come before us and that is a natural thing, a part of the growing up process. It also may make our hearts go all tight at losing the important place we had in our children's life.

It may be painful, having to relinquish our Most Beloved Person place but that is also a time of opportunity to let our children live the life they chose and fill up the empty space they left with our own love. It is again a reminder that our role as parents is to love our children. Not to be loved by them. Being loved by our children comes as a natural bonus to being loving to them ourselves. To preserve the genuine affection we share  we need to be keenly aware if we aren't pulling at or manipulating them to act in ways that make us feel loved. That is sure to hurt the warm connection to our children we hold precious since it is not a loving act by itself.

Happy Holidays filled with Joy and Love to you all! And if you are sad a child has chosen to spend them with someone else and not at home embrace the sadness and give it love. Understanding your child and where they are at in life, giving them your blessing to enjoy themselves will brighten your spirit in a way having an unhappy child at home never will.

Every child, (and every human being for that matter) needs to be themselves. When we don't allow them that and try to mold them into someone who fits our needs and beliefs we open a Pandora box of problems for everyone involved. The feeling of helplessness in fighting us to be themselves may turn into tantrums and rebellion for our child. Many of us parents have had our own rebellious years and we know the emotions that go with that - it is basically a war for independence! Unfortunately it can turn to be a self-destructing one too, as many of us have witnessed too. It is a good thing to look at as parents if we desire to create a better experience both for us and our children when they are growing up - do we allow them to be themselves

Join us at Joyparenting on Facebook for ideas and discussion on how to improve our parenting and make it a more joyful experience for us

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Positive vs. Negative Guidance

Have you ever had the experience where your child misbehaves, you tell them NO! to only have them move to the next undesirable activity that gets them yet another NO! from you? Has that made you wonder why it is you have to say so many NO-s and why your child won’t behave as you would like them to? I doubt it is an enjoyable experience being this person who says nothing but “NO! NO! NO!” yet we often don’t know how to move beyond that. This problem may actually be quite simple to fix~

To read the whole blog please go to "Leaving the No! No! Parent Behind" published on the Coach Maven's Conscious Parenting site

http://coachmaven.com/conscious-parenting/how-to-stop-being-a-no-no-no-parent

Parent, Don't Judge Thyself

If there was a parenting Bible the title above would be a part of its Holly Commandments! As parents we are all bound to make mistakes. After all we are human and as such we are not perfect. We are actually expected to make mistakes because that is what leads to look at what we don't like in ourselves as parents and what corrections we want to make. Unfortunately most of us are conditioned by our own parents and by society that mistakes are bad and the only way to pay for the sin of making them is to feel bad, uncapable and guilty. In fact we often feel the more severely we judge ourselves the more we show how regretful we are of what we have done.

Unfortunately falling into the trap of judgments leads to no good end. The only effect it has on us is that it throws us into negativity and brings our emotional tone down. On the other hand, allowing the impact of the mistake to lead us to a desire to correct it and focusing on that desire helps us let go of guilt and put our energy into the betterment of the situation at hand.

Allow yourself to compare how you feel when you judge yourself for the mistakes you have made and how you feel when you focus on the desire to be a better parent to your child. Which of the two feelings inspires you to change and improve? Which one of them comes from your heart and gives you hope and joy? Which one of them will you choose to align to and follow?

Parents, be kind and loving to yourselves, especially when you feel you need correction. The love and compassion you find for yourself when you err will help you be even more loving and compassionate to your children when they err too.

Joy Parenting

A Parent's Helping Hand

Imagine you are a budding marathon runner who is full of enthusiasm but has no experience in running at all. You hire a coach and on the very first day they tell you that you have to run 5 miles right away. They don’t offer any advice on how to build up your strength or pace yourself and they get mad when you flop miserably at your first mile. They shout at you and don’t shy from ridiculing you in front of all the people you care about. Would you feel this coach cares about you? Would you still be enthusiastic about running the marathon and would you feel it is something you can do? Or, would you feel discouraged and fearful of ever trying it again?

Some parents believe they need to be ‘tough’ with their child and that giving help nurtures weakness and prevents the child from becoming a strong and independent individual. They finish treating their child as the nasty coach in the paragraph above which not only makes the child feel unloved but also influences negatively the way they perceive challenges and trying new things. Unconsciously, instead of creating a strong individual with a daring spirit such parents may create a person who is timid and fearful of spreading their wings in life. Those negative childhood experiences have much stronger influence on us as adults than we are often aware of. If children are not helped when they need it or if we push them into doing things they are not yet ready for we give them too much taste of failure and helplessness. That is a very bitter taste the child will often try to avoid throughout their life by never attempting to stretch themselves beyond what they know is safe.

Other parents may mistake being a helpful parent to mean we always do things instead of the child when they are challenged by something. More often than not being helpful may mean helping the child manage the challenge by themselves by adding the extra piece of ability they don’t possess yet. If we always do things for our children because we can do better or faster or because we simply don't like to see them struggle we take from them the opportunity to exercise their challenge solving muscles. If instead we allow them to tackle the challenge but let them know we are there, ready to step in if asked the effect of our help will be supportive to and nurturing the child’s daring spirit.

Children are naturally curious about their world and are quite willing to explore and constantly stretch their abilities. In my work with children I have seen kids go bravely into conquering a challenge that I thought was not yet up to their abilities. Like the little girl I spent time with a few days ago who wanted to climb on her parents’ bed that was almost as high as she was. I thought she would never be able to get on the bed but after trying and sliding back down many times she managed to climb up. She was so pleased with herself! For her that was a major conquest and I congratulated her for that. This ‘challenge tackle’ finished with the child winning but if I had seen her beginning to lose heart I would have asked her if she needed help. Instead of leaving her with the feeling of ‘difficult’ and defeat I would have offered the extra strength she still lacked so she could succeed. Or, there was this other little girl who wanted to walk on the rock bridge going across a small pond but was afraid she may fall. Sensing her insecurity I offered her my hand. She needed that twice to realize hopping from rock to rock was OK and fun! After that she was unstoppable. If I had not offered help she may have not even tried.

We have all had the experience where we have felt fearful when trying something new we didn't have reference points for. Many people may need just one skydive jump with an instructor before they are emotionally ready to go solo because after the first jump they know what to expect and they know they can do it. Our children need our helping hand in much the same way. If our supportive presence is always there for them we give them the message they are not alone and that no challenge is too much or too difficult to overcome. We tell them they are supported and safe. We tell them they can try anything in this new world they are exploring. That exploration is fun and not just a painful way to learn their limitations. We teach them it is safe to be daring and it leads to many new wonderful experiences. Imagine how much an adult with a spirit nurtured in such a way can achieve! And imagine the fulfillment and joy we receive when nurturing that spirit.

　　

What is misbehavior about? Become aware of your child's needs

"Paradise is a state where all our needs are met"

Needs are an important aspect of our existence as humans that is often misunderstood and misjudged. Many of us have been taught that we simply shouldn't have them. Through society and our parents we learn that having a need makes us weak and wanting to meet it labels us as selfish and capricious. In fact our needs are our greatest guidance system to a healthy and fulfilled life. As humans we have different needs that relate to our physical, emotional and mental aspects. We need to have our bodies taken care of - to be fed, exercised or rested. On an emotional level we may need to feel safe, joyful, fulfilled and loved. On a mental level we may need to feel stimulated, to have a project to tackle, to use our imagination or simply to relax and not think. If we are aware of our needs and take the necessary steps to meet them we will be creating an inner state of balance and well-being. If, for whatever reason we fail to do that we may invite dis-balance, unhappiness, dissatisfaction and often physical illness into our lives.

As humans we have various needs with different importance but we all share three fundamental ones that if not met properly can cause us great suffering. We all need to be loved and to be accepted and approved as we are. As adults we can meet those needs by ourselves - we are capable of 'self-generating' so to speak the love, acceptance and approval we need. Children however are completely dependent on us, their caregivers to have their fundamental needs met. If a young child is not unconditionally loved, accepted as they are and approved unconditionally by their parents or caregivers that creates an inner lack associated with that need which is the foundation of emotional wounding and many issues later in life.

Not having their fundamental needs met is very painful to a child and is something their immature emotional aspect can not process. What the child feels is the pain of the unmet need and quite naturally it tries to make the pain go away. One thing that happens very often is the child will close emotionally so they won't feel the pain. Another is that quite unconsciously they may try to get their need met and that sometimes can take quite bizzare forms. For example - we all have seen children misbehaving quite on purpose fully aware that will get them a lot of negative attention. Their need to be noticed by their parents or caregivers is so great they are willing to take anything, even shouting and punishment as long as the attention is on them. Or some children hit their parents or are rude with them. It may look like the child is misbehaving and being mean but underneath it may be unconsciously screaming "Do something! You are keeping me emotionally starved".

We will never know what the real reason behind the misbehavior is before we are willing to drop the negative judgment or blame we put on it and stop to ask ourselves "What does my child need to cause this? How can I extend to that need?". It may seem easier to simply try to correct the behavior but in reality it isn't because it will keep coming up until either the parent realizes they need to change or the child resigns they will never get their needs met by their parents and looks elsewhere for that. As many of us have experienced the craving for our parents love, acceptance and approval can continue well into our adult years often with the same unsatisfactory results. Or it may pop up in our personal relationship with many negative consequences.

If on the other hand we take the time to look beyond the behavior and see what is causing it we put ourselves in a position of power to correct it. Instead of playing the 'attention at all cost' game and effectively teaching our children to behave terribly simply to be seen we can choose to disregard the negative behavior and give our children a lot of positive attention instead. We can include them more into our life, talk to them, play with them, show them we truly enjoy them and love them. It won't take long for the negative behavior to disappear and it is so much more enjoyable to give loving attention to our children than to constantly be on guard about what they may do next and how to control or fight that.

The desire to love our children and to extend to their needs is a natural one. It brings so much pleasure and fullfilment it should be easy to follow yet we often find ourselves acting in not a very loving way and feel challenged when we have to give to our children emotionally. Why that happens and how to get over it is something I will share in another post.

What is a Joy Parent?

What do I call a Joy Parent? This is a parent who has made an agreement with themselves that parenting is meant to be a joyful experience and if it isn't then they need to make a correction in their perceptions and actions to bring back the place of joy. That means we make a conscious choice about the experience we want to have as parents and that automatically puts us in a powerful position. We are no longer the proverbial leaf at the mercy of the wind. Life can't swing us in any emotional direction it wants because we have our intent and our own direction to follow. Choosing how we want to be and what we want to experience is the first step to being and experiencing that. I will soon be posting about the tools a Joy Parent can use to change their parenting experience to a better one ~